Reflection

I was not sure what I was signing up for, when I registered for the Interbeing #4 (sound + wellness + community) retreat, hosted by Silvae Spiritus. I knew I liked the energy of the founders of Silvae Spiritus, Leigha and Travis. Even through a zoom meeting, their calm, welcoming spirit, and passion for wellness jumped through the screen as we meet for a brief conversation about our shared passion with nature and wellness. Even though I was stepping outside of my traditional experience, I knew I would be cared for.

 I am going to jump backwards for a moment, anyone who has been following my journey over the last 3 years knows that I have made my wellness a priority… If you did not know that, well ya do now . There have been many things that have happened over this summer that have derailed me a bit and my wellness pursuit was put onto the back burner. I noticed I was feeling less energized, more anxious, eating foods that provided a quick rush but did not nourish my body, my sleep was a mess, and I just generally did not feel awesome. A few weeks before the retreat I had recommitted to my wellness. I bought a new, smaller, Oura ring (with losing nearly 45% of my body mass, my Oura ring was just too big). The accountability of sleep tracking metrics has been a big factor in my success. A weekend retreat focused on wellness, connection, and sound was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

 The retreat started Friday evening. I did not do an awesome job of planning out my day so I felt rushed by the time I arrived at Silvae Spiritus. I was going to need to set up my camper alone (but not really alone, two close friends joined me on this adventure, however, the individual staying with me had never put up our Sylvan Sport before) I was worried something would break- like things tend to do when you are feeling rushed, or that it would take too long and I would be late for the welcoming ceremony. Luckily the set up went relatively smoothly and my friend is a natural at setting up the Sylvan Sport!  I still felt a bit rushed as I had not found my regulation following the events of packing, driving, and unpacking… the rushed feeling smashed like a wave against the rocks of my social anxiety as I tried to mentally prepare for the unexpected. 

 I walked into the lounge at Silvae Spiritus, which, no joke, lead me to just naturally take a deep deep inhale and just breathe for what felt like the first time all day. It was the most beautiful calming space. The colors, décor, furniture, smells, and sounds just invited calm. Everything was set up around a beautiful alter of plants and fruit, native to the land. As the participants came to be in the space, we were greeted by the facilitators the event. After we were invited to share our names and what brought us to the retreat. Now let me tell you, I have never been a fan of the “introduce yourself circle” I feel anxious about what I am going to say and often find that I am rehearsing my introduction and not listening to what others are saying…. And this makes it really hard to know who is who! I wish I could say the magic of the space gently washed away my anxiety… it did not, but I did find myself unconsciously working on getting out of my head and being more present for what was happening. I am not sure if it was the space, the people, or a combination of the two that allowed for this to happen, was I perfectly present, nope not at all. Was I more present than I am in similar situations, ya betcha.

 After the welcoming event, there was a dinner cooked for the group by the facilitators. It was one of those meals that you can tell is cooked with the intention for connection. That time and care was put into the menu and how the food was prepared. It was exactly what I needed to start to slow down and really *BE* in the space and part of the retreat. Little did I know at the time, but that was just the beginning of my weekend slow-down and reconnection.

 Dinner was followed by Collective Conscious Workshop, I had no idea what this was going to be. When I walked into the lounge the lights were low and welcoming. This workshop was led by Phil, a member of PACT Healing Arts, a local group. Phil guided us on a journey of connection that transcended space and time. His words were like warm honey smoothly pouring from his mouth, then slowly and warmly flowing into every nook and cranny in my mind. I felt so cared for and loved during the experience that I can at best describe as a meditation- but somehow that fails to do the experience justice. Honestly, I am still carrying the visualization and feelings that were invoked with me today, 4 days later. The evening ended with another new experience, a physical opportunity to consensually evoke distress, while using regulation practices to experience a unique type of bliss. This is achieved by first going into the wood-fired sauna, then, when you are ready, going into one of the two cold plunge tubs, and then going into a beautiful wood-fired hot tub. You are invited to do this as a cycle as many times as feels right to you, while making sure you are hydrating and listening to your body during the process. I cannot really comment on this from a personal level as I lasted about 30 seconds in the sauna before I experienced a mild panic. I was met with support, encouragement, and grace. No one made me feel judged for leaving early. I did get to experience both the cold plunge and the hot tub and they were beyond lovely. I really enjoy cold cold water. I love going into waterfall pools and soaking in the cold goodness as it surrounds my body and my brain. Hot tub, in the woods, on a lovely night, while a DJ is playing music???? The only thing missing was warm gooey chocolate chip cookies… oh wait, there was also cookies! I fully intend to try this thermic cycle again, because spoiler alert, I will absolutely be going back to Silvae Spiritus.

 Friday night I slept; I mean I really slept. My Oura ring provided me with real data. On average about 15-20% of my sleep is deep sleep, Friday night that was nearly double! The sleep data throughout the weekend continued to show improved metrics. My heart rate variability (HRV), a metric that can show how stressed you are, was higher than it had been in the past two weeks. This means that during the retreat I was able to decrease my sympathetic system (being in a state of flight, fight, or freeze) and go into more of a parasympathetic state- allowing for rest and digesting. My mind and body were both feeling the positive impacts of the retreat.

Saturday morning, I woke up and felt rested and ready for the day. My companion was still fast asleep so I decided to wonder around the property, which is about 30 acres. The care and attention put into creating a space that encouraged wondering and reflection in nature, was spot on. I found a lovely place to lay in the grass and just soaked in all of the goodness from the night before.

 Saturday was packed with amazing experiences, and I was not able to participate in them all as some occurred at the same time. As I walked to meet the participants for breakfast, I witnessed one of the most profound moments of the weekend. One of the workshop presenters had arrived and was getting ready for the day, she seemed a bit distracted. Leigha, one of the hosts, had walked over to greet the individual and got down on her level and asked, “how are you?” with such intention, she was not just asking like the cashier at Target just casually ask, she was really asking because she cared. The individual responded quickly and went back to her task, here is when the magic happened. Leigha then got the individuals attention, made eye contact, and invited the individual to try that again, Leigha then asked again, with just as much intention, “how are you” and they both took a breath, and it was so beautiful and intentional. I have continued to think about that interaction and how we often just ask things because we are used to asking them. How often do we ask them with true intention and curiosity for the response? I did not stick around to see how things continued between Leigha and the individual, I headed to the community brunch and again the food did not disappoint! I made an alter outdoors as part of a movement, meditation, and Earth medicine workshop, participated in a dialogue circle, and took part in a sound healing and embodiment journey which was facilitated by Mama Rose, who shared her, self-produced album “Between”. The album feels like a mash up of positive self-talk, world music, and meditations. During the listening/meditation session, Mama Rose, who is also an energy healer, offered her services to interested participants. I was curious about energy healing, so I opted to participate in this workshop instead of the forest bathing workshop (but fully intent to have a session in the near future). During the workshop we were invited to get comfortable on the floor or in a chair and close our eyes as we took in the sounds. Mama Rose than walked around providing her energy healing services. I had no idea when she was going to visit me, and I intentionally bias myself towards “feeling” a response. Y’all if I had not experienced what I am about to tell you, I don’t think I would believe it. I would half to say about halfway through the experience I felt a tingle in my right hand, not just a soft tickling kind of tingle but an intense, almost shocking sensation. I opened my eyes to Mama Rose sitting right next to me preforming her energy work on me. It was incredibly neat. Mama Rose would later tell me that when she was doing the work on me, she felt compelled to focus on my stomach and lead something up through my throat. What she did not know was that right before that workshop I had a post bariatric episode where food was caught in my throat, and I was on the verge of being sick- it hurts and is not fun at all. I like to think that she was working any residual “stuck-ness” out of me. There were a few other workshops, all equally lovely! Dinner was, again, no surprise, awesome! Y’all what happened after dinner was bananas! The host Travis aka Dendrotic created a bushcraft camp complete with a DJ booth where we all danced under the stars in the middle of the woods. My true woodland nymph was able to shine as I moved my body to the music. I went to be feeling so completely full, full of love, music, movement, and peace.

 Sunday, I woke early again, feeling a bit complicated. I was looking forward to the events of the day and also keenly aware that it would all be ending. I walked out to my grass from the morning before and listened to music as I drank my morning profee (protein shake and coffee, yumm!) I found myself dreaming about having a haven like Silvae Spiritus someday. As I was lamenting about someday feeling far away, I noticed the leaves on one of the trees, moving softly in the wind, glittering with sunlight and it hit me. I started to cry, not from sadness but from joy. In that moment I realized I can carry my experiences of being present, grounded, connected to others and nature with me now. I did not have to wait for “someday”. In that moment it felt like I was being wrapped in the most special blanket I own, an incredibly thoughtful gift from someone who brings so much joy into my life, and with the wrapping of the blanket I was being hugged, the kind of hug that you know everything will be alright. The day was full of intentional meditation set to music that was made to impact different solfeggio frequencies- sounds in specific frequencies that impact different chakras and learning about music creation. I learned about an awesome platform called Digital Nap, music that is consciously made to help with regulation. As the retreat came to a close, we ended with a lovely reflection circle. Participants and the facilitators were invited to share their feelings about the weekend. Over and over again themes of gratitude and connection were repeated. As we all said goodbye, I was met with some of the most intentional hugs. Weird right, what is an intentional hug? What I noticed was that people were not hugging to just get it over, it was a hug with a full intentional breath not hurried or disconnected. It is the type of hug I have brought home with me and have used in all of my hugs with my family since coming back.

I did not go into this weekend with any agenda aside from looking for a new adventure. I left the weekend having found myself. I recommitted to my priority of wellness which includes connection to self, others, and environment. I also know that one weekend of intentional focus on wellness is not enough, I have been blissfully listening to Mama Rose’s album (you can find it on Apple Music, Spotify, and on her website), leaning into the music Digital Nap, and planning my next adventure at Silvae Spiritus.